It is almost a year now since I was in the accident and was charged with Impaired Driving.  There are times when life is so friggan frustrating. I am still not sure when I will be driving again, although I could have been driving if I had a vehicle that I could install an interlock device in.  But my vehicle is still not repaired – I don’t have the $8,000.00 it will take to repair it.

The other day, I walked about 10KM (6 miles). My feet and legs ached. All to get me and my son a haircut. At least it was not raining, and the weather is warming up in my part of the world.

I look back on this year, and although I realize that driving and drinking is a serious offense, I sometimes wonder if the penalties are too harsh.  The financial and personal hardship that results from an Impaired Driving charge are enormous and life ruining.

I know that before I met her, I was an alcoholic. I didn’t think of myself in that way before  I met her as my drinking didn’t cause issues for anyone else. Being self employed, I really did not have to have a schedule, rescheduling an appointment after  a night of working and drinking was not too consequential, and my little boy still had lots of time to spend with me.

I was interested in other women, sort of in the sense I could be attracted and enjoyed talking, but none had caught my fancy enough. I had no plans for a long term (or short term for that matter) relationship. I liked being single and not having to answer to a woman for anything I wanted to do like going fly fishing, visiting a museum with my boy, working until all hours of the night.  But when I met her, I was blown away and WANTED to have a relationship with her. Having said that, I likely in many ways was not the best guy as far as “being normal” and having a “normal schedule” was concerned. And I take responsibility for that, and am still at wits end at times, to figure out how to change it, especially my night hawk sleep patterns.

But I did drink a lot back then. But it bothered no one. It didn’t seem to be harmful to anyone.  At least, no one said anything or worried.

There was no one to say anything or be worried.

I think and I’m not making excuses, that my drinking got worse though after I met her. She saw me as having a drinking problem and having an odd schedule, and that brought up insecurities in her life. I don’t know for sure. But it would piss me off to no end.  And I LOVED her, and had no desire to be with anyone else, or flirt with anyone else, but she seemed to see betrayal in everything.  She absolutely was horrified by the thought of me “going outside the relationship” (which ultimately had the effect of making me feel isolated) but it was ok for her to make her accusations – which as I once explained to her: Not only are you now accusing me, but you are bringing someone else’s character and motives into question.

For me, it brought up old wounds as well. Years ago, I was often suggested as having a reputation as a “Lady’s Man,” and being young, it was … well.. enjoyable in some ways. But the reality is the reputation was not exactly reality. Indeed, I had many issues and regrets about that reputation, which was based on half facts, and many of those regrets I wasn’t sure what to do about.  I suppose I could be charming at times, when I had a few drinks, and being told I was charming was rather nice, to say the least. I spent 4 years of my childhood in a hospital and entered high school with enormous self esteem issues; the things I wanted to excel at, I didn’t but I could show empathy and did so, and that became “charming.”

For the decade or so before I met her, I mostly rejected the advances of woman. I had a few relationships, but they were mostly very short lived. I wanted to focus on my children as much as I could, and help them with the business I had started. Did I have thoughts at times of being seduced or getting into some kind of relationship that would last for decades, until I died? Yes, I did.. and I thought about being the seducer as well, but that was not my priority, nor my desire. At the same time, I did flirt, but it never went further than that.

So when I met her, I was blown away.  Totally blown away. My friends and family were shocked that I said I had met someone that I wanted to pursue a serious long term relationship with.  And where it all went wrong, or what my projections were to her, I really don’t know.  For it was not long – about a month after we met, that I started to read about “issues” she was thinking about with regard to me and other women.  Most of them were silly from my perspective; one I could understand to a point due to a living situation I was in – but in actuality, that was an original attraction to both of us in that we lived with someone of the opposite sex for financial reasons and we “understood” that.

I remember telling her when she brought up her insecurities, that I really didn’t have time for them. I mean.. she was welcome to call and verify the information I had told her; the information I had told her was not new – it was full disclosure a month previously.  I still have copies of that correspondence.  So in accusing me, she was also in effect accusing the other person as well. And I wonder if many people who have insecurities about others, ever think about that fact!!!

I remember drinking one night, after reading the email. And drinking some more. And becoming angry and angrier, that not only was I being accused of something, one of my friends was as well. It became very personal to me.

I got a reply to the effect, “Sorry. My insecurities are because a boyfriend cheated on me 30 years ago… I’ve always had them ever since.. give me a second chance and I’ll work on my insecurities.”

I really liked this woman a lot, so I gave her a “second chance.”  Shortly thereafter though, she confided in my sister-in-law about another insecurity she had about me.  This from a woman that said that you should never “go outside the relationship” – but she took it upon herself to express to my brother’s wife an insecurity, which was silly at least in my eyes and if I were to tell you what it was – it involved a Facebook Group of people who had the same name as me.. which was fun… and funny.. she suspected that all those profiles of people that shared my name, were me. Fake profiles I had invented.

I loved this woman but had major issues with the accusations she was making.  Drink and alcohol was a comfort to me.

This is not the only example, and I can provide more examples… one day, I scored 69 points in a Scrabulous game – a woman I have not had contact with in 30 years posted a comment to the effect, “nice score.”  Now… knowing my own information about sexy imagery, I did have a clue that she might have been making a reference to the number… and wasn’t sure I wanted my sons to see that. So I deleted that comment. I was then sent a message from my girlfriend, “You deleted that comment pretty quick.”

Yes, I did! I didn’t think it was appropriate from someone I had not seen or talked to in 30 years, but we had something in common and were “FB Friends” due to a high school reunion I helped organize several years previous – but in my GF’s eyes, I must have been responsible.  Things like this drove me nuts. I loved her, but nothing I did was good enough; instead, she seemed to judge me by whatever external event came up, no matter how silly.

And I did not know how to deal with it. She once accused me of getting “fresh with her sister” for asking her sister if she had warm sleeping bags for a cold camping weekend trip that was planned. Apparently, asking about sleeping bags is intimate, but it’s something I did all the time when visiting Tent City in Vaughan, Ontario.

I wanted her to believe in me, but there was so much criticism. I could go on and on about the events that have aroused her suspicion and days of silence between us, and me feeling that I needed to spend enormous amounts of time to reassure her.

I ended up resenting it.  I could go on and on, but I won’t.  But if you are a suspicious person, perhaps you can realize you have just as many issues as the alcoholic.  When you privately make a suspicious thought about one person, as far as relationships go, you are not just suspecting one – but at least one other person as well.

What and where and why exactly is your issue?

It’s funny, in a peculiar sort of way, that I became even more of an alcoholic because of my desire to try to be what I could to someone else, instead of demanding that they deal with their issues. That IS my responsibility; it’s not blame. What were my issues back three years ago, that I was willing to let someone dictate to me their insecurity issues, and somehow, I was going to be or should be responsible for them?

I don’t know.

But I am responsible for me.  Somewhere along the way I lost that.

This blog has many purposes to me. There are only a few that know my identity, and for now, I’d like to keep it that way. The embarrassment and shame I felt when I had my accident and then subsequently charged with Impaired Driving was – and still is great. There are still a number of my friends and acquaintances who do not know that I was charged and convicted with Impaired Driving.

One of the purposes of this blog was that it could be a place where I could write about my experiences of Impaired Driving and if it could prevent others from getting into the situation I found myself in, then that would accomplish a goal for me. As well, I enjoy writing and often find that writing is far more therapeutic for me than talking verbally.  I am not always comfortable talking; words can be mixed up and misconstrued, I find. Writing allows me to try to be precise in my meaning, and also allows for a record of what I actually said, and then if my meaning wasn’t clear, I can correct it.

Another purpose of this blog was that while I was writing about my experience, perhaps I could also generate some kind of income from writing about experiences.  Business has been crappy, funds are extremely tight, and maybe some might be interested in purchasing their own personal breathalyzer as a result of my experience.

Having said that now, I’d also like to reiterate that if you have an alcohol problem, a breathalyzer may not be the best choice for you. You might need to seek help for the disease of alcoholism.

A third reason for this blog was to publish information as I discovered and researched it about impaired driving. There is a lot of misinformation out there and as much as I also believe that if you have an alcohol abuse or addiction problem that you need help, it also concerns me very much to see some liberties and freedoms away from those that enjoy a glass of wine and do not have an addiction problem. I see some of the new regulations that are coming into place in some Provinces of Canada as being very disturbing in the sense one is treated as if they are guilty before they are allowed to defend themselves in court. I do not see this as being helpful at all to those who may have an alcohol addiction.

And not everyone has an alcohol addiction. I recently saw an ad on television where a young man is talking about how he likes to drink, but he’d “never be stupid enough to drink and drive.” This ad bothers me – it really does nothing at all to help someone who is addicted and has a problem. I’m concerned about the label of “stupid.” In fact, anyone who drinks is at risk for driving impaired. Anyone of us could be “stupid” enough to risk it. But generally, I’m not a stupid person, and I have an above average IQ. However, what seems to have been lacking in my life is wisdom.

I am sure there are many emotional reasons for this; although I’ve thought and attempted to be “strong.”  Years ago, I was considered a “strong” person.  At times, alcohol increased my “strength” in some areas, it seemed.

But now, I’m on a hamster wheel, just spinning and spinning, nothing changing except the hamster wheel seems to be going deeper and deeper. And somehow, I have to figure out a way to get off that wheel.

Alcohol was a major factor in my relationship with a beautiful woman that I love(d) very much and that has just ended this past week. And the stress of that lead me to the bottle even further.  A few days ago (Thursday night), I reached a point of Rock Bottom and couldn’t stop crying. I was having panic attacks, and felt I was about to die. Interestingly enough, my ex-wife of over ten years ago had told me that if I ever wanted help, I could call her spouse. “When you are ready.”

I called. He has helped me. He reached out to me, and I can’t express my gratitude enough. I have had tears running down my face as I look the train wreck of a life that I’ve had for quite some time. I told him that I know that alcohol has at times, had an allure of being helpful to me. It’s been helpful in dealing with some of my emotional pain. Pain that goes back decades but I thought I was strong enough to deal with on my own. Alcohol IS helpful in that regard, in the sense it alleviates it for awhile – but the problem for me is that two drinks are not enough, three I’m only starting to feel something, after 5 I want more, and then it exaggerates the pain and makes it worse, and I become an angry person that I am not. Or that I don’t want to be.

My ex-wife’s spouse points out however, and says,

“The brain is a huge sponge and any mind altering drug rewires the hard drive and important parts of the brain stop working. It misses steps like an engine misfiring till that cylinder doesn’t fire at all. When I say months to actually sober up I’m dead serious..”

He then asked me a pointed question after suggesting that in three months, I will “firing on all cylinders” and likely won’t even want a drink:

“What do you have to lose by giving this a shot. Compared to what you’ve tried so far.”

Nothing. At this point of my life, I seriously have nothing to lose by giving it a shot and giving up alcohol. The alcohol has had much allure many times, but it’s also far more of a train wreck right now.